Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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