I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
