i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
