So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
