Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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