I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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