i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
