Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
