I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
