can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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