Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
