Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
