i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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