I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
