my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
