Why are handjobs necessary in class?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
