If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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