My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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