When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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