Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so let's talk penis.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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