My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
