Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
