here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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