I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
