omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
