quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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