In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
