I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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