We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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