GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
