how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
