Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
