I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
