guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
