I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
