Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
