I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
