true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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