hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
