Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
