i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
