the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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