Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
