It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
