i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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