Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
