When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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