I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
