just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
