just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My vagina just recognized that song.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
