What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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