Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
